elf guardians . little black book . 'coletta . tds dot org!
[11 May 2003|11:51am]
im not here. nope. i've moved, incase you haven't noticed. shhhhh.
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[27 Feb 2003|11:57am]
it is taking me 5 million light years to add all you guys to my new lj. so please don't assume i haven't forgotten you..if you don't know yet, i'm _pyrexia ! now, so please add that.

xo.
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needle in the hay [24 Feb 2003|09:33pm]
she doesn't live here anymore!

(will leave this for archives, and such)

xxx.

ps, will add the rest of my darlings to my new lj
when i wake tomorrow.
so be patient, oui?
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eh die. [24 Feb 2003|12:30pm]
"I'll be damned if any Muslim's gonna beat the great state of Kentucky at what she do best," said Coon Hollow resident Billy Joe Dupree, 39, in between bouts of firing his shotgun skyward Monday. "We been shootin' into the air for all kinds 'a reasons since they was a Kentucky, and that's a fact. Why, even my wall-eyed cousin Mavis could outshoot one o' them Muslims, and she ain't hardly finished the fifth grade."


forget it. no one ever gets what i mean or say.
you disgust me yes most of you. tada.
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[23 Feb 2003|11:24pm]
oh, i miss you oh so much. your collarbones, your raven black hair. the way your chest sighs up and down when you are sleeping. the way your face lights up when you see me. the way you can take away any pain in minutes by holding my hand
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[23 Feb 2003|10:41pm]
everything i need to know i learned in america:

1) nothing is really free. in fact, even walking down the street isn't free because someone that you are related to is paying for it somehow.

2) you are not loved or accepted unless you are a sweet, perfect little child with perfect hair and bright eyes, and a slim body.

3) unless you go to church, you will see satan in hell.

4) they say that there is this church vs state rule. but it isn't really true. many people weasel their love for their god into schoolings and movie theaters, but it's only really acceptable if it's the "in" religion in your area.

5) guns are important. guns make us men. guns make us sexy women. without guns we would be topless happy people laying on a foreign beach and we wouldn't be seen as powerful and scary. Even though we are total cowards.

6) destroying our bodies are very important. if you don't have a disease you can make yourself one. with choice of drugs or eating air forever. wasting away is socially beautiful.

7) if all else fails blame another country.

(ps, sarcasm. mew)
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[23 Feb 2003|05:08pm]
there is one thing that happened when i went to england that i didn't meantion. i had to have permission first. well, now i do. i randomly met up with soultied in january and the weirdest stuff happened. i don't even remember half of it because he and biscuit got me so drunk in a pub, but i do remember something about me trying to steal soultied (mike's) underwear and i put my bra on his head as a hat.

somehow i have a feeling i am never going to be invited to meet people again.

oh yes and also, they dressed in drag.
they look better in makeup then i do.
sniffle.

psst!
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There's a girl in my room and her face on the wall with no eyes [23 Feb 2003|02:35am]
sometimes it feels like life unfolds like a flower, petals and they drop everywhere, soft and delicate with veins throbbing.

for those that saw my private rantings about my mom cancelling the concert / dinner thing, well she felt better and decided to take me out after all. le sigh. Biscuit, you were right (as usual *grin*)

We went to see "it's a beautiful day". And if you have never heard this wonderful 60's / 70's band I order you to. They were fabulous, with so much energy. The theater smelled of incense, sweat, and perfume. I took pictures and the brother of the lead singer was sitting next to us. I could just feel all the radiant energy sparking off everywhere.

Whenever I am at concerts I get this feeling, and i can't quite explain it. It's as if i am floating and realizing at the same time that life isn't forever and we all need to find hope and beauty in it. The lights yellow and red and blue and green poured onto the band, and the lead played the violin as if he was born for it (perhaps he was).

i never give experiences like this the right words. I was so extremely happy, it was so wonderful to see this 60 + year old man playing the violin with the sprit of a 20 year old boy. His smile is still lighting up my face. Their music is like being in a world with people walking on tightropes with umbrellas and clouds raining diamonds and harlequin girls crying painted tears. It's more than that, too. They have this wonderful retro style. They are coming out with a new album which i never expected because they only really had one, and i can't wait.

i feel like a girl with a secret. Because i was the youngest one there. And i don't know anyone my age who listens to them. And even if they do. I still feel like a secret has been pressed inside my heart by that man with the violin.

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girl with no eyesCollapse )
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i carry yr heart [22 Feb 2003|02:46am]
i am shivering in my bones, in my flesh.
i can not sleep. i was so exhausted hours ago that tiredness waved over my body like a hand caressing me. but now. i'm a wired strange thing wrapped in my silk robe ordering books on amazon like i am a drug addict. a book addict. addicted.

i bought:
x. Smack - Melvin Burgess; Paperback
x. Shampoo Planet; Douglas Coupland, paperback
x. 100 Selected Poems by E. E. Cummings

someday i am going to be an author that people buy from amazon.com ; my life in ink. my fantasy in ink. my pain my pieces but not all of me. some people will rave about how good my writing is and others will spit about how horrible it is. But the part that will make me most happy is that first one, published, bound, with my name on it. Something set in stone. It's like living forever. forever; forever.
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[22 Feb 2003|12:33am]


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i press rose petals between my fingers and smooth them out, expose the veins. i think of my life as veins, people and moments throbbing in my pulse, on my wrist. blood is like water is like purity is like white is like a dove is like peace is like dreaming while awake.
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the sky is sobbing [21 Feb 2003|06:39pm]
it's crying all over my world and it just won't stop.
i look up at it and the clouds are perfect care bear clouds, fluffy and
still pouring everything onto us.

.
.
.
i lay in bed last night drunk on muscle relaxers listening to Bjork and melting in my sheets. i was so hot under my covers with my hot water bottle and kicking my sheets and rubbing my naked toes under the duvet and dancing inside my head.

have you ever had that feelign just as you fall asleep that you don't want to fall asleep? you want to leap out of bed and do all sorts of things that you never wanted to do when you were awake? i despise that. i feel helpless with my eyelids half closed.

but i felt his arms around me, i actually felt him. As if i could just open my eyes and see him in the dark kissing my neck and eyelids.


http://www.what-if.de.vu/ :

if you have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick?
american beauty. or amelie. but i would kill both of those films with my horrid acting skills as they are already fabulous.

if you had to lose one of your senses, which would you give up?
taste. i couldn't bear to lose the others.

if you had to paint your entire home, inside and out, a single color other than white, what color would you pick?
light light blue / sky blue
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[21 Feb 2003|12:41am]
Maybe you would understand if you
Pressed your ears against my ribcage
Or sunk your fingers against the hollow curve
Of my hipbone

Maybe then you would understand
This greedy want to strip my skin
As if it were nylons
Or a wet suit
Stuck to my skin
Clinging like a child to their mother.

But these bones
I hear them singing
To me at night
When my eyelids tremble
In REM and I wander in lustful
Dreams and get tossed in
A handful of star seas

And maybe you would never understand.
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book starved! [21 Feb 2003|12:17am]
Poll #104692 readage

suggest me some fantastique books to read (buy)!

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& [20 Feb 2003|01:15am]
I close my eyes and run my hands on my hipbones and think of you, your breath so close that it melts softly into my flesh, your fingers painting hearts across my belly, your smile. Even in the dark I can see the flicker of your eyes.

       & you know what? I still can't believe. That we are intertwined together. That we are one and yet two, two creatures, bound by something, yet not caged. We are two free birds flying side by side, swooping over each other, nibbling each other’s necks.

       We are we are we are beautiful. When I am with you I feel oh so precious. I feel like I can do anything. Let's run away now, let's go to St Thomas and sip rum out of coconuts, and lick coconut ice cream. Let's dance in hot rain and lay in the sun for hours holding each other's hands.

           My mind races to moments 100 + hours before:

             We are on the beach, on a sand kissed towel, my eyes are closed and I feel the grease of the sun tan lunch being baked on my skin. My hand in your hand, the sun melting sand and ocean water and oil together. This is heaven, this is our Elysium. I pretend that we live here, that we are here together for an eternity. It doesn’t even matter if your lips and skin taste like salt water. This is our reality. This is our dream. Reality - dream.



       -

When I was little I was afraid of losing my memory. I would try to do anything I could to remember every moment. The problem now is that I remember telling myself to remember certain things, but I don't remember what they were. I am so deathly scared of diseases that take memory. They scare the shit out of me. I wouldn't even remember I was afraid of that. Ignorance is not bliss. It isn't. No way.

Have you ever felt like a jewelry box? You open the wooden lid and look inside and there are all these treasures, at first. And then sometimes a few go missing, and get replaced, and some are half broken. And then there is that one you have had since you can't even remember and it's tucked in the fold of velvet, in that box, and you are afraid to pick it up. You are afraid to reach in and put it on because it might break. Or get lost.

     But you know what? I put it on. I reached in and sometimes I wear it. That piece of jewelry in my body jewelry box. I think he is the only one that has completely seen this part of me. This piece of jewelry. But it feels like it's always been there, tucked inside, a tiny little silver ring, or a string of black pearls. & this is my right. My right to wear it. And not be frightened.
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wanderings at 12 am ! [19 Feb 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | whywon'titsnow? ]


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miso ! [18 Feb 2003|10:10pm]
just in case you are interested in my usual whine & rambling,
i updated backissues here. The "current" is from january 13th, on the airplane home.

& i'm craving orange spice tea and miso soup. i have the first but not the latter.
miso soup is like sipping fog.
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[18 Feb 2003|06:16pm]
i think about weapons a lot. how so many things can be one, even your bare hands. it's scary sometimes to think that way. but oh, i could never see myself holding a gun. i think they are one of the most foul inventions ever and i get chills thinking about them.

i used to walk down the street thinking that i would get shot in the head, and i would get c lose to ters. my imagination is too vivid, too lifelike sometimes.

I DREAMED LAST NIGHT: that i was captive by this invisible horrid ghost, and he kept doing horrid things to me. He made a huge spider crawl on my hand and bite me, i starred at it and thought of the film spider man and the swelling got bigger over my hand. i was scared breathless, and everything went dark. i clawed my way around, trying to find the way out.

i woke feeling safe in bed thanking everything that it wasn't real.

but it felt so real. i even felt the pain of the spider sinking it's jaws in my skin.
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oh love oh love oh lovelette+ [18 Feb 2003|01:18pm]
i feel blessed by faeries and kissed on the forhead and the inside of my thighs. As if little tiny sprites and piskies have washed love over me. And this is all from two pieces of beautiful mail that i have recieved today..it has made my whole day.

First i opened this envelope from e girl which had a lovely pink heart on it. I thought maybe it was the postcard i asked her to send me wrapped in a starch white envelope. It turned out to be this gorgeousgorgeous card and her sacred beautiful handwriting! (really doll, you write like a goddess. eee). It was such an unexpected surprised and it made my day. E girl, would you mind if i wrote you back? i actually had started you a letter. yes yes. And the picture was perfect. I always loved that photo of that siren faerie. I'm going to scan it later. It touches me so much what you said. You have no idea.

& the next, was the sweetest thing ever. A love letter and homemade valentine's card from my darling biscuit boy, i am still swooning over it. It smells of his cologne, and just screams love at me. I think i'll end up reading this over and over and over and never getting sick of it. oh. why am i so lucky? but, luck really has nothing to do with it. Fate, really. We just flew towards eachother as if the wind blew hard on both of us and we ran into eachother at perfect times in our life.

i feel so in love and happy and breathless and perfect.
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my roses won't bloom in the winter [17 Feb 2003|01:37am]


winter, his love wrapped around
me like a blanket, a coat;
the snow falling on our noses,
making love to our lashes.




last night in england,
clinging to the sheets, shutting
liquid in my tear ducts.



{ i----- stood out in the rain, got drenched, raise my hands to the sky,
and it poured even harder.
blowing kisses to the sky, is it every enough? }
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[16 Feb 2003|11:04pm]
[ mood | breakme& ]

The rain is drumming so hard on the roof, pressing hard on it like a hungry lover does on their craved one’s thighs. It pours and pours all over the world outside. It begs for wind and thunder and slashes mud and bruises streets. It’s doing what I want to do. It’s doing what I can’t do. It’s coming all over the world, releasing it’s pain and pleasure on everything in it’s way.

We are all so sensual.
We are all so open
And yet so closed.

Make it snow. Make it freeze my insides. Make my world starry white, full of powder and ice, make me filled with nothing but stardust icicles and frozen air.

I eat air & I eat air & I eat air

(the air smells edible after a rain fall..)

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